


There are several places I'd rather be (but they're all with you)

by Ratterer, why_so_sirius



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Fluff, General Awkwardness, M/M, Oneshot, Screenplay/Script Format, Texting (kinda)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-12
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-08-08 09:15:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7751875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ratterer/pseuds/Ratterer, https://archiveofourown.org/users/why_so_sirius/pseuds/why_so_sirius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A clichéd Drarry fanfiction featuring amazing wingman Narcissa, soccer mum Lucius, oblivious Harry, dramaqueen Draco, Hermione's failed efforts to educate everyone on Muggle technology and an all-around traumatised Ron. Enjoy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	There are several places I'd rather be (but they're all with you)

**Author's Note:**

> Co-written with a friend who has yet to get an AO3 account, hence the somewhat varying styles.  
> This is our first fanfiction, so hopefully we can improve with characterisation and our writing in general in the future - constructive criticism is welcome!

_(Draco and his parents are reclining on one of the many luxurious couches scattered around the lounge at Malfoy Manor. As Draco glares angrily into the flames of the ancient fireplace, he begins to recount the many (in his opinion) faults of Harry Potter, much to his parents chagrin.)_

**DRACO:** Mother, can you believe the cheek of that Potter? I walked past him in the Great Hall, and he didn’t even look at me! How dare he! I’d call him a blood traitor but he’s not even Pureblood enough to be that! He’s nothing! He’s a nothing but a mindless slave of Dumbledore with no coordination or attractive qualities (except his hair, especially when it’s all messed up after Quidditch, and those emerald eyes you could just lose yourself in) but that doesn’t matter because he’s a Mudblood-loving- _(he is cut off)_

 **NARCISSA:** _(sternly)_ Draco.

 **DRACO:** I’m ever so sorry Mother, but you have to admit that-

 **NARCISSA:** Now, Draco, do you remember our rule about your rants on other students? Particularly ones concerning Mr Potter?

 **DRACO:** _(grumbling)_ Yes, Mother.

 **NARCISSA:** _(under her breath, to Lucius)_ I think tonight might call for the aging whiskey that you were storing, Lucius dear - if we're going to have a headache, we may as well have some fun whilst we're at it.

 **DRACO:** Mother? Why are you whispering to Father? _(increasing in volume)_ Mother? Father? Answer me!

 **LUCIUS:** _(under his breath, to Narcissa)_ I quite agree - I have a feeling he's only just getting started. _(aloud, to Draco)_ Now, now Draco. Don’t raise your voice at your mother. It is most unbecoming of a Malfoy heir. A Malfoy heir must always be firm but respectful, intimidating but aloof, calm but-

 **DRACO:** _(interrupting his father)_ Yes Father, sorry Father, but that Potter boy! I bet he’s never heard of manners in his life! The way that he just shovels food in his mouth in the great hall, not that I’ve been watching him of course, and how- _(he is cut off by a loud crash from the fireplace)_

 **NARCISSA:** _(to Lucius)_ Honestly, I’d welcome an interruption from Dumbledore if it meant we didn’t have to listen to any more of this.

_(Lucius nods, drawing his wand as footsteps draw closer)_

**NARCISSA:** _(faintly)_ The cream carpet...

 **HARRY:** Ron, you wouldn’t believe how much of an arse Dudley is being! Almost as much as that Malfoy git- _(Narcissa clears her throat pointedly, causing Harry to look up in surprise)_ wait, this isn’t the Burrow!

 **DRACO:** _(drawling)_ Well done, Potter. You continue to amaze me with your stunning powers of deduction. This obviously isn’t the Burrow; the colour scheme alone should tell you that - along with the fact that a single floor tile here is worth more than those blood traitors could hope to make in a lifetime!

 **NARCISSA:** Now Draco, despite Mr Potter being an... unexpected guest, we should treat him with the same courtesy that is expected of a Malfoy. _(under her breath to Lucius)_ This  night just gets better and better.

 **DRACO:** _(dejectedly)_ So I can’t hex him? I learnt a jinx the other day that would turn his hair the most enchanting shade of green, to match those wonderful eyes…

 **HARRY:** Um… is this a bad time? I mean, of course it’s a bad time - this is Malfoy Manor, it must be full of snakey, Slytheriny, sexy business - haha, I mean, what?

_(Harry’s already halting monologue trails off awkwardly into oblivion as he notices the disapproving glare of a portrait. He grins back bashfully, causing the portrait to huff and wander into one of its replicas in another room. Narcissa watches on in amusement.)_

**LUCIUS:** As wonderful as this little get together has been, surely you have places to be other than fraternizing with the enemy, as you might put it?

 **DRACO:** Oh no father, I’m sure that perfect little Potter doesn’t care about inconveniencing others. I’d wager that he thinks we should consider it an honour to be in his presence. Pardon me if I don’t lie down and grovel at your feet, or kiss your hand, or even your perfect heart shaped lips...

 **HARRY:** _(ignoring them both, desperately texting Hermione)_ Hermione, how do you flirt with boys? Help me! (Asking for a friend of course, haha)

 **HERMIONE:** _(disapproving tone showing even through her texts)_ Of course you are Harry. You do realise that I am your friend? You can ask me anything; you don’t need to make up a frankly pathetic story. I am not RONALD! I know how to keep my mouth shut!

 **HARRY:** Hermione, I love you and your lectures are the best, but now is not the time for it!

 **LUCIUS:** _(drawling)_ He does realise that he doesn’t need to dictate his texts, does he not?

 **DRACO:** Of course not Father. How could you think Harry Potter, who doesn’t have a brain cell to his name, could learn how to operate a simple muggle device.

 **NARCISSA:** Draco, dear, don't be hypocritical. The first time we let you loose near a microwave-

 **DRACO:** _(spluttering indignantly)_ Yes, well, that's irrelevant!

 **LUCIUS:** The scorch marks alone… _(he shudders)_

 **DRACO:** Silence! My rants on Potter are not to be ridiculed or interrupted!

 **HARRY:** _(bemused)_ Is this a regular occurrence or…?

 **DRACO:** _(spluttering)_ No! Of course not! As if I'd ever spare the time to think of your ridiculously good looking face!

_(Lucius and Narcissa nod emphatically behind him. Draco sees and throws his hands up in the air in a dramatic portrayal of frustration.)_

**DRACO:** Traitors, the lot of you!

 **HARRY:** Well you can hardly call me a traitor! You’re the ones who are on the side of Voldemort _(the Malfoys wince; Harry rolls his eyes before continuing)_ with your devilishly mysterious looks and brooding dark eyes. Why are the cute always evil- uh, I mean, I’m not a traitor! _(Harry finishes sheepishly)_

 **DRACO:** Cute?! How dare you call me that! I am not cute! You should fear me! I am a Malfoy!

 **HARRY:** Wait, I didn't mean-

 **NARCISSA:** _(cutting Harry off; gently to Draco)_ Draco, dear, it's a compliment - do take it graciously.

 **DRACO:** _(sulkily)_ Yes, Mother.

 **HARRY:** _(muttering)_ Merlin, this is mortifying. Where is a death eater attack when you need it?

_(Lucius raises his eyebrow at this last comment but otherwise remains silent)_

**DRACO:** Honestly, Potter, at least have the grace to mutter quietly. You're useless at subtlety, you know. I bet that you can’t keep a secret to save your life!

 **HARRY:** _(defensively)_ I so could! I'm so smart, I could keep anything private! I've never ever told anyone that I adore your smirk or that I think green looks good on you and it really compliments your eyes; I mean green and silver and blond and grey blends like the voices of a choir, it's like you were destined to be sorted into Slytherin! I’m sorry I’m babbling, aren’t I? Oh well, I've cearly made a great point- _(he trails off in realisation, leaving an awkward pause in place of his woeful speech)_ Oops...

_(Narcissa downs another shot of whiskey)_

**LUCIUS:** _(under his breath)_ For the love of Merlin… _(aloud)_ Draco, these are not words I say lightly, but, for the sake of my sanity and your mother’s, please just be a Gryffindor and make a move.

_(Harry and Draco blush so deep a crimson that it would not look amiss in the Gryffindor common room)_

**HARRY:** _(breaking the awkward silence)_ Wow Draco, your dad is like the ultimate soccer mum.

 **DRACO:** _(ignoring Harry)_ Father, I do not understand where you are getting the crazy idea that Harry and I are romantically inclined but I believe that it may be time for _(contemptuously)_ Potter to go.

_(Draco turns to Harry, who is unashamedly staring at Draco's butt. Draco scowls and nudges him none-too-gently)_

**HARRY:** _(snapping out of his reverie)_ What? Oh, yes, of course, I understand, you must have places to go, muggles to curse, wouldn't want to intrude...

(Draco hands Harry the embroidered bag of floo powder. Their hands brush as he does so and they once again blush a red that would make his ancestors turn over in their graves.)

 **NARCISSA:** _(Muttering)_ Sweet Merlin, this needs to end.

_(Narcissa discreetly points her wand at Harry as he stumbles towards the fireplace. As he passes Draco, she performs a non-verbal trip jinx which results in Harry being sprawled ungracefully on top of Draco)_

**HARRY:** _(blushing furiously)_ Shit, sorry, I’m so clumsy hah - jeez Malfoy you’re so boney, you should eat a cheeseburger or whatever the pureblood equivalent of that is. (laughs nervously, then, upon seeing Draco’s glare, continues) Okay I’m sorry I’ll shut up now, please don't hex me. _(Begins to scramble back onto his feet)_

_(Draco’s arms snake up behind Harry, pinning Harry against him)_

**HARRY:** _(confused, beginning to panic)_ Ummmm... Draco, what are you doing? Aren’t you going to make some kind of snooty insult about my clumsiness or my-

 **DRACO:** _(cutting Harry off)_ Oh be quiet, Potter.

_(Before Harry can embarrass himself or Draco any further with his spluttering, his mouth is captured by Draco’s, and they share a not-so-chaste kiss. Forgotten to the side, his parents share a look simultaneously displaying relief and mild distaste as the rivals appear to be competing in some very new fields. The unfortunate spectators, Narcissa and Lucius, were reacting with varying degrees of approval - Narcissa more so as she noticed with some amusement that her husband was running out of trinkets to examine so he could avoid having to look at the scene before him . After an uncomfortable period of silence (although the pair would argue they were only just getting started), a resounding crash comes from the fireplace. Draco and Harry, preoccupied as they are, appear oblivious to this intrusion. A familiar voice pierces the silence…)_

**RON:** Harry! Have those Death Eaters got you? My parents finally traced the floo to- DSFDS ADSFHAK! DFDSFJSDFJS! FGHFGHDFGH! _(Ron continues to make unintelligible noises of distress)_. Harry?! MALFOY?! You do know the Dementor’s kiss only works with Dementors, right?

_(Harry attempts to answer; Draco clearly has other plans…)_

**HARRY:** Ummm… Well… You see... _(he groans as Draco kisses a trail down to his neck)_. I… er… seem to have taken a wrong turn in the floo, and I arrived here at Malfoy Man- oh Merlin Draco, don’t stop doing that. And then… ummm… well-

 **DRACO:** _(reluctantly breaking away from his ministrations to interrupt Harry)_ Honestly Potter, a flobberworm can carry a conversation better than you with all your rambling. To answer your question Weasel, Potter was deposited rather ungracefully on our hearth, whereupon he veritably assaulted me with his clumsiness and cute hair _(Ron gags)_ , practically confessed his love for me - oh shut up, Potter, don’t deny it - _(Ron continues to make retching noises)_ and we ended up in this situation. Do you have a problem with that? _(he continues without waiting for an answer)_ We were having rather a good time as well, until you decided to arrive, and I would like to return to that activity if you please. Potter?

 **HARRY:** _(with a sly grin)_ You know Draco, now that we’ve snogged _(Ron makes a feeble noise of protest, which Harry ignores)_ I don’t think that you can call me Potter anymore. In fact, if you don’t learn how to pronounce my first name, I think that I might remember rather urgent business elsewhere… _(Harry begins to get up)_

 **DRACO:** Wait, no! _(Returning to his smug tone)_ I believe I could manage that… Harry. (He draws out the two syllables as he pins Harry down again, this time underneath him)

_(Ron is extremely confused and disturbed by this frightening turn of events, and so turns to the person who could destroy any fears with a succession of brutal logic. He digs his hand frantically into his pocket and retrieves his phone so he can text Hermione.)_

**RON:** HERMIONE HELP I THINK HARRY'S GONE MAD!

 **HERMIONE:** Ron, calm down. What has happened?

 **RON:** Umm well he was meant to come over to mine like an hour ago, but he didn’t come so we got worried and traced him to Malfoy Manor and I came in and Harry and Draco are all over each other like a pair of venomous tentaculas. I don’t know what to do!

 **HERMIONE:** Take a deep breath and compose yourself. And then please ask them WHY THE HELL IT TOOK SO LONG!

_(Rather than feeling reassured from this exchange, Ron is more disconcerted than ever. In this moment, his Gryffindor courage fails him and he simply flees from the scene, stopping only to grab some floo powder as he rushes to the fireplace and returns to the Burrow. The elder Malfoys are unfortunately left alone with the amorous couple. Lucius is growing more and more uncomfortable, while Narcissa’s smirk grows larger as she watches her husband. Finally she decides to put him out of his misery.)_

**NARCISSA:** Tilly!

_(A sharp crack accompanies the house elf's appearance)_

**TILLY:** Yes Mistress?

 **NARCISSA:** _(smirking)_ Prepare the Green Bedroom - I have a feeling it will be needed.

 **DRACO:** ( _blushing, scandalised) Mother_!

_(The end)_


End file.
